I was dreading this winter season for so long.....all summer really. And now I am here. It's not as horrible as I thought it would be. Things continue to change. I continue to change. Circumstances are changing......its interesting really. I feel like my life is a movie i am watching in slow motion....i can see Gods hand in my life. And for that, I am thankful. I believe the Lord has big things for me this coming new year....and many new things. I just pray for the grace to go through the new year.....I know it will be fine....it will have ups and downs just like any other year...so long as i have the Lord by my side I know I will get through.

I spoke with a friend of mine today whose mother has cancer....she was talking to me about how hopeless she feels for her mom. The whole thing makes my heart ache for her and for her family. I love that family so much. It's so easy to have faith when things are going our way...but the moment all hope seems to be lost...we panic and our faith evaporates. I believe it is in those moments in life that our faith is truly tested and refined. Those times are awful...even unbearable...but they are so vital. During my rough patch this summer I felt completely hopeless...I had a mess of a broken heart all around me...had no clue what to do..i didnt know where to start picking up the pieces of myself....it was SO hard to have even an ounce of hope, let alone faith. But that is when God displayed His power in my life. He met me where I was....He told me it would all be ok....and "ok" to me...meant so many things...but I wasnt sure if those things were the same to God which frightened me. I feel like my friend may be struggling with this same feeling now. It's so scary....i could cry for her even now. I can't even bring myself to think about being in her shoes...it makes a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat..

I am so thankful for God's sovereignty...I dont understand why these things happen....but I know in my heart that no matter what....God's hand is over us. Jen's mom has displayed such a great measure of faith...and she is the one dealing with cancer. When I think cancer...i think...no survivors....and i know its not right to think that first....especially knowing what I know about our God.....my God is all powerful...nothing is too hard for Him. I think God has increased my measure of faith for jennys sake tonight......when we feel like we cant believe...that is when God sends others to carry us....i believe these people are used as His hands and feet. I hope i could encourage her today to keep trusting God...no matter what. Ugh...my heart is heavy for this family....and yet I have a peace about it all.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer" - Romans 12:12

It's interesting how moments like these are so upsetting...and we cry out to God for Him to come and change our circumstances....its amazing how He draws man to Him in prayer through hard times....its beautiful really....because the moment we go into prayer...that is when things begin to happen...and not only that...we draw near to our Heavenly Father....its like He does a million things on our behalf at once. It blows my mind. Anyway....bottom line.....God is Sovereign and He is enough. What a relief!

Hmm moving on....I have some Christmas specials I have yet to watch this year...I think I am going to add a new movie to my traditional Christmas specials list. And that movie shall be...Elf! So I need to watch the charlie brown christmas, california raisins, garfield, rudolf, and now elf. I don't care how childish that may sound....i've watched those specials since I was a kid and I will continue to do so as an adult, and with my kids and my grandkids! And I dont care who knows it! Now with that said...I'm turning on Elf. More another time...

Something I can't stand and think is disgusting....married men flirting with me..or any woman that isn't their wife.
I've come to realize that I attract married men?? I have had more married men hit on me in the last few months then ever before....tonight i was trying to convince the male nurse to fight for his marriage....he found something he didnt like about his wife so he isnt sure anymore.....ridiculous. He said "i just dont know anymore..." .... seriously? Just like that?? I hate men sometimes!! I am SO sick of them giving up and not fighting for their women or fighting at all. It disgusts me and its disappointing. Why are they such quitters?? They ALL talk a HUGE game...but where is the back up?? I don't see it. It makes me insane. I have no respect for it...no patience for it. He asked me if I would stay with somebody if I was unhappy...if its just a boyfriend then no i wouldnt...although i was unhappy with drew and stayed..but i was also a bit blinded by bull crap lies.......but if i was married then ABSOLUTELY...i would fight that till i died. And that is what I told him...to fight till you die. If you give somebody your word....and dont keep it...what good is your word ever?? It is meaningless! Why would you give your word to take care of somebody before God and people and then years later decide you arent "sure" anymore because there are some problems.....grow a set and deal with it! UGH! Makes me so mad!! Don't give your word if it isnt worth anything. I'd rather be single forever then be with a man who doesnt keep his word...or one who is foolish with their words and heart. If that is all I ever have coming towards me is more guys like that then I dont want them. Ew! I cant believe I myself put up with that.....i was so friggin weird and not myself last year.....thank GOD im back to my senses. Praise Him PRAISE HIM ohhh PRAISE HIM! Whew! I had to vent....OH and then another guy was hitting on me.....and all i could see was his shiny ring on that left finger....ugh! I want to just smack them all...they dont deserve wives!! Men have no idea what they have sometimes! Amazing!!

Ok..im done bashing men for the time being.....well..kinda....i met this guy...he's a cop....*what is it with me and cops*...but this guy is the one my cousin has been wanting me to meet since right before drew and i started dating but i wouldnt meet him because I liked drew.....WELL...now i finally met this mystery guy pams been telling me about....he's 31.... hmmmmmmmmmmm?? We got along really well....he seems really nice and is into God...I think he's a youth leader actually....thats pretty cool though. I don't know what will happen...im not exactly looking to jump into anything....i dont exactly trust very easily after that last mess. So oh well, we'll see i guess. I'm not too concerned...I trust God with it....if this guy is who Pam says then it will all play out....if she's right about this one like she normally is. Ah, that freaks me out.....oh well. Ok anyway...NOW im done talking about men...

So at work they've trained me to be a "tech aid".....geez! What else?? I do a little laundry when i work saturdays, do registration, and now tech aid....oh..and ive been taught how to pull jackets....and some mail.....scheduling....and im starting to learn how to print films....next they want to show me some precert and authorization stuff with insurances.....so basically this time next year ill be fully trained to run my own radiology office. Too funny. I have to admit, I've become quite the multitasker....I am getting good at this. I love the fast pace!!! I love doing the million things at once and the patients...i seriously cant wait to do nursing. Bring it on. I feel like im in school at this job...all the medical terminology and familiarity i am gaining with the medical field is great...Im getting used to doctors..the nice and the mean ones. I feel like God is putting me through my own nursing school with this job...he really provided me with this...I know His hand is on me and where I am at in life right now. It's very evident and I feel it in my heart...I'm where He wants me....but I still have so many questions and so much going on....now i have a new option....Liberty University...maybe stockton university? I apparently would be accepted according to the schools but i dont know where God wants me.........hmm....I guess I'll just keep going and wait. Wait wait wait...patience patience patience......thats all i have been told to keep doing. I know something is coming.......God is changing me more and more.....im feeling more grown up. My oh my.....my 23rd year is going to be interesting......not even a month in and its already somethin' else......

Well...im sleepy....I think I'll read the word for a bit and then hit bed. Until next time...